Sunday, February 15, 2009

Cleanliness Is Next To?

This story was submitted by Dan:

Not long after I separated from my wife, a very good friend thought it was time for me to meet "the girl next door"—his neighbor from childhood. She had been single for about a year and was ready to meet a new Mr. Right.. She lived a couple of hours away and came into town for a weekend double date with my friend, his wife, and myself. Jen was cute, funny, and sexy in that well, “girl next door” kind of way. I always liked that subtle, playful type of sexiness. We hit it off and hung out all weekend. After talking for a couple of weeks, we decided that I would visit her at her place. She had a 2 bedroom apartment and plenty of room so she said that if I was comfortable with it she was happy to have me crash at her apartment. We would hang out, have a couple of nice dinners, play a little tennis and see what happened. Sounded great on paper (so many things sound great on paper).

I left after work on a Friday and ended up pulling into her complex right about the same time she was getting home from work. I had a little coffee on the way and by the time I arrived, I had to take a leak so bad I felt I was about to pop. I could barely give her a hug and a quick kiss before I told her I had to get to the bathroom. She opened the door, led me inside and pointed the way. As I was making my way through her apartment I noticed a very stale smell and LOTS of crap piled all over the place. Clothes in the living room, dishes piled on the counter, papers and folders literally stacked everywhere randomly. She was apparently one of those folks who walked out the door looking cute but left behind a cataclysmic mess. I didn't really have time to think about it because if I didn't get to the toilet the next moment I would have left behind my own cataclysmic mess.

I shut the door, flipped on the light, yanked up the toilet seat and "HOLY SHIT" (no puns). Cute little Jen had left a whopper just sitting there all day just for me. Even Mr. Happy had a momentary lapse of consciousness as I was so stunned my bladder held back. Well, needless to say I've emptied my bladder in worse conditions so we made out alright, but as I emptied my bladder I took a closer look around and it truly looked not just messy but pathologically messy.

Mind you, I lived in a frat house for three years and I have two daughters who really hate cleaning up. There have been many times when I have followed behind them to help clean themselves up or flush a toilet or two. As a physician, I have seen things come out of people’s bodies that just shouldn't be seen. But, I tell you this was just unbelievable. The first thing I did was flush and then I washed my hands, really washed my hands. I went back out and I was hoping that perhaps she would be a little contrite about the mess or perhaps embarrassed that maybe she left the bathroom in a little disarray since she was in a rush this morning. But, no. "Thirsty, want a snack"? I couldn't help but look around and say "looks like a tornado hit this place". She barely seemed to recognize that she was living in a hovel. It was a complete turn off. We hung out for the weekend, did some fun stuff, but whenever we were back in her apartment the mood left me. I did spend the two nights (her guest room was actually not dirty, just messy). We played around a bit but nothing too serious and I am sure that she was initially a little taken aback when I got back home and called her a day or two late to thank her for a nice time but didn't make any other plans to see or talk. What else could I say to her? "Learn to flush and get a maid".

I never did tell my buddy about the cute girl next door that he probably lusted for during his teenage years. Let him keep those precious lustful fantasies intact.

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